What It Means To Make Love To Yourself


I see you waiting with bated breath, waiting for me to broach this subject. After so much interest in my yoni egg post, I know this is a crucial conversation to have. The internet is SATURATED with sex talk- "normal" sex, "healthy" sex, "exciting" sex, "enlightened" sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex. Three people in one month asked me if I had read a book about female orgasm, and several others have broached the subject. I'm honored to be trusted with these conversations, and what I'm talking about when I'm talking about sex has nothing to do with intercourse with another human being; at least, not at first.

While I believe wholeheartedly in sexual expression and masturbation and having candid, compassionate dialogues about these aspects of being in a body, I think that most humans are craving (without really being conscious of it) trustworthy contact and communion withthemselves over getting off. There is a rampant obsession with quick fixes and turning outside ourselves for answers that is keeping us all from the deep satisfaction we could be experiencing through our sexual bodies. The origin of this disconnect is in our mistrust of our innate sexual power. We misunderstand it from a very early age (don't touch yourself like that!) and then we fall prey to media and appalling lack of sex-positive sex education. Yoga tells us that our bliss is within, and to restore a sense of it that's where we must return. We must reunite with our innermost self- down there.

Why I chose to share my practice of using a yoni egg is because collectively we don't have a terribly nuanced sense of sex or sexuality, nor a reverent attitude toward our sexual organs, which are the manifestation and amplification of our primal drive to create. Our cultural reference point for the word "sex" is an activity between two (or more) people, and not a fundamental expression of being an awake human with immense creative potential. So here's where the work of yoga and tantra enters the conversation, and how using personal, individualized sexual practices may be of benefit.


Tantra is a highly sophisticated philosophy based in the intersection of the mundane and the divine, the microcosmic reality of the human being in relationship to nature. Yoga, the dissolution of attachments to "I" and "mine," through the lens of tantra becomes a practice of finding union with the "other" in order to achieve harmony and alleviate division. It is a divine marriage of Sun and Moon, masculine and feminine, familiar and unfamiliar, sometimes even the sacred and the profane. I am not talking about man and woman, penis and vagina, but a meeting of opposites, a joining of complimentary parts, be they physical, emotional, mental or spiritual. Tantra teaches that in order to experience our innate wholeness, we must encounter our internal polarity- the forces of attraction and repulsion within our own psyche. The physiology of yoga tells us that we are more than simply flesh and bone, and that we become the physical expression of our subtler energetic movements. Obstruction on any level - spiritual, mental, emotional - reveals itself on the physical.

I think using yoni eggs and gemstone dildos can be a beautiful healing process for those of us who may have engaged in sex to feel loved, worthy, to hide, to dissociate, to manipulate. Every stone has a different purpose and energy, and through simple exercises, meditation, and, yes, auto-stimulation, we can rewire old patterns of engagement with sex. I can practice bringing consciousness to my sexual desire and experience power, pleasure and choice. The stone becomes my lover and together we arrive at a new level of consciousness. I reinhabit my body autonomously, and then when or if I choose to share it with another, I do so consciously and with creative desire. With this intention in place, my sexual energy becomes transformative, alchemical. For more guidance on this and what the initial practices may look like, check out my FoodSleepSex mentorship.

Another way to explore this theme is to investigate the sensitivity and expressive quality of the pelvis, the energetic site of polarity in the body. The pelvis is highly mobile and structurally protects our most vital organs- our reproductive organs. (While heart and lungs are typically considered the most vital, consider the state of affairs if not a single woman had a uterus?) The pelvis is the epicenter of our primary urge to procreate, to continue, to evolve. We are losing our relationship to our innate sexual power and slowly killing ourselves off by falsely placing the sexual organs at the bottom of list of ways to tap into a vast reservoir of spiritual intelligence. 

Making love to yourself means accessing the feeling of deep gratitude and reverence for the earth under your feet, the touch of air on your skin, the transformational cycles of your body, and deep wounds of isolation, abandonment and shame. To make love requires a complete surrender of control over- it is to be penetrated, touched at the deepest level by what is at hand until there is a chemical shift, a roar of thunder in your cells, a storm of sensation, a breakdown of what was in order to be with what is. Try opening yourself to this degree without a deep and abiding sense of self trust. It can't happen. You are impenetrable if your body is shut down to you. You are too vulnerable if your mind is out of control and your nerves fried. 

I invite you to inquire into your own relationship to sex as a spiritual practice that happens between you and the hidden messages of your fear, your anger, your grief. These emotions live in your body and are acting out their story whether you're aware of it or not. When you begin to work intently with your emotions, tracking how they live and express themselves in your body, this is the entry point, the moment of penetration. This is where the healing starts. 

Join me in discovering how to use your polarities to find a new way, a new freedom. These themes are potent right now as the New Moon takes place in Taurus, and the mood is NOURISHMENT. I'll be offering two group programs to tap into these themes - New Moon Ritual and Practice, and Swan Dive. The next offering of Swan Dive is coming in June to Yogaleena. We will spend three weekends inquiring into the metaphors written in the physical body, the energetic expressions, functions, elements and even deities that help us understand the rich poetry embedded within us. Using this as a starting point, we will then explore patterns of physical, emotional and spiritual expression and employ the tools of yoga, tantra and expressive art therapy to arrive at a new level of self trust.

It starts now. It starts with you. Don't wait. And, as always, be kind to yourself.

Stacey Ramsower